The Top Umpteen Ways of Annoying Ichigo
by Russet-Stoned
Summary: Ever wonder what the Bleach characters write in their diaries? Sure you wanna know?
1. The Top Umpteen Ways of Annoying Ichigo

_**A/N:** In a fairly random mood, so I decided to try my hand at (hurrah!) crack. First chap is intro featuring (hurrah!) Ichigo and his amazing dramaticisms ('zat a word? Oh well.) Just random funny stuff, some one-sided pairing fluff. Enjoy.

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**The Top Umpteen Ways of Annoying Ichigo

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"Kuso…"

A very irritated orange-haired teen stalked through the family room and up the stairs, not bothering to shut the front door all the way.

"Welcome home, Ichi-nii," a timid voice piped from the kitchen.

"Hey, Yuzu," Ichigo sighed, burying an elbow in his father's face as the man came flying from above.

Ignoring the typical family commotion he had come home to every day for so many years, he finally reached his own room and shut the door pointedly behind him. To put it conservatively, he had had a very, very, terribly, horribly, awfully, disgustingly, ridiculously unbearable Hell of a day.

"What's up, Ichigo? You seem awfully—"

"GYAHH! RUKIA! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?"

The aforementioned petite woman snapped shut a garish, bunny-covered notebook and hopped coolly down from the windowsill.

"—tense," she continued, as though she was not being shouted down by a rather strong, angry, and intimidating teenager.

Ichigo was very, very close to snapping, and the signs of impending danger were everywhere. Lower lip turned out, teeth gritted, veins throbbing, and fists clenched, he was a frightening sight to behold. Better yet, to run like hell away from.

"Get. Out. Now," he croaked, pointing a shaking finger at the door. And, because it was never wise to offend a bunny-loving firecracker like Rukia, "Please."

"Well, aren't you a right Mr. Sunshine today. Fine, I'll leave," she huffed, "but really, I thought you could use some company; you shouldn't be so asocial." With a flick of her eyelashes and a swish of pastel sundress, she was gone. As soon as the door shut, a set of hefty knuckles buried itself in the doorframe, while its owner spewed red steam shamelessly from his ears.

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Later that night, in Yuzu's darkened bedroom, a certain mischievous shinigami sat under the covers with a small flashlight and a notebook. Next to a pair of kissing bunnies in formal attire, were written these words:

_ Best Ways of Annoying Ichigo:_

_ Practice binding spells on him while he sleeps (Nix. Too mean.)_

_ Draw moustache on his face_

_ Draw bunnies on his homework_

_ Live in his closet (Most impressive reaction yet!)_

_ Compare him to Renji (better yet, imply he has crush on Renji, tee hee)_

_ Sing the 'Fighting Dreamers' opening from Naruto (Oli oli oli o!)_

_ Lie in wait in his bedroom (bwa ha ha!)_

Rukia stifled a giggle. Ichigo had no idea how fun he was to torture.

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**-e-n-d-c-h-a-p-t-e-r-1-

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**A/N:** Well… okay, I feel stupid. But it was fun anyway. Really, this fic is just me blowing off some start-o-semester steam, so it's not serious LITT-EH-RAH-CHUAH. As for next chaps… well, more characters with more lists (not all to do with Ichigo, BTW). Definitely Renji, maybe Yachiru and (giggles uncontrollably) Byakuya. If you wanna see your fave character's "list", lemme know in the reviewz.

Until next time… MUAH HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!


	2. Two Lists and a Scar

_**A/N:** Hehe. Hehehehehe. Oh Kami, somebody slap me. Here, have some more Crack (I decided it should be CaPitALiZeD, hehe.) Right, so… Renji's list, then (OMG! OMG!) Byakuya's. Hehe.

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**Two Short Lists and a Very Large Emotional Scar

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Renji sat at a small cluttered desk in a small cluttered room next to a large fancy room containing a large fancy desk behind which sat a medium-sized fancy captain, just before 5 p.m. at the 6th division headquarters. Said captain did not believe in leaving early. Said Renji did not believe in doing paperwork until the tick of five, so he pulled out something he did believe in: the ultimate procrastination tool, a weathered and dog-eared composition book.

Its appearance was really too somber for its purpose, which was to waste time. However, anything flashier could not be hidden from the discerning eye of Captain Kuchiki. In any case, it did the job. He licked his thumb, opened the book to the last folded-over page, and stifled a snicker.

_ "Best Ways to Start a Fight with Ichigo"_

He wondered, sometimes, if he obsessed a little too much over his human rival. Oh, well…

_ "Make fun of his zanpakuto (can backfire)_

_ "Make fun of his Japanese (according to Ikkaku, this works very well)_

_ "Bug him at school (also can backfire, though sometimes in a sexy way. I did not just think that.)_

_ "Imply he has crush on Rukia (don't try if Rukia's around. Ouch.)_

_ "Put hot sauce in his –"_

"Renji."

"GAAH!" He slapped the book closed, although it was probably too late. He had been so effectively distracted that he had not noticed the medium-sized, fancy shadow falling over his shoulder.

"T-t-t-taichou!" he spluttered, jumping to his feet and knocking over his chair. The captain stepped neatly aside to avoid it.

"There's no need to act so guilty. I was merely coming in to inform you that you could go. Although," Byakuya paused pointedly, "it doesn't appear that you've earned it today."

"I'm truly sorry, sir," the flustered lieutenant rushed. "It won't h—"

"Renji."

"Yes, sir?"

Byakuya smiled inwardly. He had an idea. He took a step forward.

"Taichou??"

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Renji spent the night with Kira and Shuuhei at Matsumoto's, making every effort to forget the events of that day. He didn't care if it took every drop of sake Rangiku had.

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In a hidden compartment in a small drawer in a large fancy desk in a large fancy room in the 6th division headquarters, lay a black leather-bound diary. On the twelfth page of that diary was a list. Months of devious ideas from the mind of Captain Kuchiki were neatly scripted on that page, including the two most recent additions, placed there at fifteen past five that afternoon.

_ "Most Effective Methods of Scaring Renji Witless (not necessarily in progressive order)_

_ "Use bankai (not often feasible, but ALWAYS entertaining)_

_ "Ask to see his tattoos. All of them. (Tremendously unwise, also somewhat overt for my taste)_

_ "Look over his shoulder while he is working (or more likely, pretending to work)_

_ "Practice binding spells on him while he sleeps (Rukia recommends this, although I find it rather dull; Renji is by far the soundest sleeper I have ever encountered.)_

_ "Note: I have achieved the most astounding results yet from these next two options, when coupled. The latter proved especially amusing:_

_ "After discovering him being off-task, stand at a comfortable distance from him and stare him down. Every time he blinks, take one step closer (invariably, the closer I get, the more nervous he becomes; the more nervous he becomes, the more often he blinks – priceless, really)_

_ "Lick him."

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**-e-n-d-c-h-a-p-t-e-r-2-

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_**A/N:** Am I evil? Why, yes! I love the idea of Byakuya being secretly obsessed with Renji. Oh yes! Err… references. "Bug him at school" comment comes from episode 67 (being tackled and straddled in hallway referred to as sexy-type backfire); idea for Byakuya's obsession with tattoos stems from a cute ficlet I read a while ago that made me laugh (don't recall the author, sorry.) And—oh yeah! Still taking "list" requests, if you have an idea…_


	3. Of Children, Hats, and Nakedness

_**A/N:** This chap is dedicated to Firetender: it's not exactly what you asked for, but it did give me some ideas (muah ha ha), which I went with. This chap – at the Urahara Shoten!

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**Of Children, Hats, and Nakedness

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A ridiculously tall, strong, and somewhat apelike man sat down at the store counter and grumbled through his moustache. Despite his rock-solid, stoic appearance, the stress of maintaining a store and chaperoning two children was beginning to get to Tessai. He grumbled again, more pensively this time, rubbed his eyes, and opened an old green ledger.

Flipping past pages of transaction records and descriptions of goods that needed to be restocked, he finally came to a more personal section of the enormous book. Here was where he wrote down tips for coping with the most tiresome part of his job: Jinta.

He tried his best to respect the boy, and be kind to him. Unfortunately, he was so undeniably rude and off-task that this was often impossible. So he resorted to less cushy methods… for example:

_ "Tessai's List of Last Resorts in Dealing with Jinta-dono_

_ "threaten to withhold his dinner_

_ "actually withhold his dinner_

_ "Tessai death poke! (not at full power, of course)_

_ "to keep him working, place cardboard cutouts of self in places where they will cast a conspicuous shadow over where he is working (in practice, only worked for two weeks before he found out)_

_ "pick him up by the hair and grumble at him_

_ "Tessai scary face!_

_ "crush his annoying little head (just kidding, ha ha… hmmm…)"_

"And how are things going with that brat, eh, Tessai-san?"

"Oh, ah, Tenshou! I mean, fine, why do you ask?" the huge man stuttered, guiltily closing the ledger with one hand, as he pushed up his glasses with the other. Urahara could not possibly have read his entries; he left the tedious work to Tessai, and even now he was on the opposite side of the room.

"It's not important, just asking," Kisuke replied. "I figured he could be kind of a nuisance sometimes."

"Oh, er, yes… quite a nuisance, I suppose."

"Well, I have some work of my own to do," he added, clopping back through the doorway into the back room, "and just be sure to fix that window sometime today, hmm?"

"What wind—" Tessai began, then, "right away, tenshou," as he heard a shout coming from the front of the store.

"JINTA HOMERUN!"

There was a loud crash, followed by a bloodcurdling grumble.

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The infamous sandal-hat man stood in front of his open closet and self-consciously scratched his neck.

He was staring at row upon row of his old hats, lined up in a mildly organized jumble; an embarrassing testament to his years experimenting with headwear. _What was I thinking, if anything?_

From left to right: a floral-patterned fisher's cap, a sombrero, a blue flannel turban, a scaled-down model of a pope's hat (what on Earth?), a raspberry beret (which he'd bought _before_ the song came out, thank you very much), a flame-print bandana, a women's straw Sunday hat complete with stuffed canary (that was from his "confused" years in high school), a fur headdress, and (GASP!) a commemorative Grateful Dead baseball cap (no one, _NO ONE_, must ever know).

Kisuke heaved an aggravated sigh. "I oughtta make a list of things to get rid of in here," he muttered to himself, "but that's more Tessai's thing…"

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A darkly voluptuous woman sat in the kitchen with an enormous bowl of fried rice and a hand-sized flip-pad. She shoveled several lumps of the stuff into her mouth and flicked open the notepad.

_ "People to Flash:_

_ "Kisuke (check)_

_ "Ichigo (check, indeed… must flash virgins more often)_

_ "Byakuya (well, half-check… he'll get the other half eventually)_

_ "Kisuke (check again)_

_ "Ukitake (check, but never again… he enjoyed it too much)_

_ "old man Yama_

_ "Kon (NOT!)_

_ "Kisuke (yup, check)_

_ "Yumichika (he's always on about beauty, it's about time I show him the real deal)_

_ "Ishida Uryuu (should be almost as fun as Ichigo, unless the rumors are true…)"_

"Oh, my! Err—excuse me!"

Yoruichi looked up. "D'you need something, Kisuke?"

"Err, no, it's just – um—you might want to put something on…"

"Yeah, just a sec," she smirked, scribbling again on the notebook.

_ "Kisuke! Check check check check check check check AND CHECK!!!"_

"By the way, Kisuke."

"Yes?" came the response, from behind a paper fan.

"Do you have to take out that damn camera _every_ time?"

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**-e-n-d-c-h-a-p-t-e-r-3-

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_**A/N:** Yesss!!! I am so evil! Well, I hope it was as much fun to read as it was to write… this is seriously the perfect stress reliever. Hurrah! Crack!_


	4. Mommy

_**A/N:** Okay, so… I've received a lot of requests from my wonderful readers (yes that means YOU), but it's a little overwhelming, and also I'm listening to Groove Coverage's "God is a Girl" right now, which (for some strange reason) reminds me of… (cymbal roll please) YACHIRU! 11th division chibi action! Muah ha!

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**Mommy

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"Ken-chan! Ken-chan!"

"What is it? I'm right freakin' here," the formidable 11th squad taichou growled, not unkindly.

"Who's my mommy?"

"I don't know who your mother is, Yachiru," Kenpachi grunted exasperatedly. "As far as I know, no one does."

_Dammit, where the Hell was this coming from?_ The great bear of a man puzzled as he glanced musingly at his lieutenant. _Little snot must have been watching soaps with Rangiku again…_

"That's okay! I'll just find one!"

"Find one-- what-- ?"

"Yup! I'm gonna find a mommy!"

Kenpachi rubbed calloused fingers at the bewildered crease in his forehead. He felt the first tickling of amusement. "Che. C'mon, Yachiru, if you're not careful you're gonna hurt my feelings."

"Why's that?" The girl's eyes twinkled deviously.

"Well, I—" He paused, recognizing the mischief on the girl's face. "Just what are you driving at?"

"Oh, nothing! It's nothing at all," Yachiru trilled. Her giggling was getting close to uncontrollable by this point. "Just wanted to know who my Mommy is, that's all."

Kenpachi gave only a grunt in response. This did not satisfy his lieutenant at all. Taking a deep breath, she drew out her most powerful attack. Blinking her eyes quickly to moisten them and rolling out her bottom lip pitifully, she whimpered slightly and tugged on the big man's sleeve.

"Huh—aw, geez…" even one of the most powerful men in Soul Society was no match for the Yachiru Ultimate Pout. "Look, as far as that goes, I'm sort of your—" he grimaced, "Mommy, so don't—"

In a moment, the act dropped. "YAAYYYYYYYY!!!!" the pink cupcake of a vice-captain squealed, wrapping herself around the captain's neck and all but strangling him then and there.

"What... the..." a very sheepish Zaraki stuttered, as his vice-captain appeared to direct her attention elsewhere.

"Pretty-boy! Baldy! He said it! HE SAID IIIT!"

The sound of raucous applause and whooping came from the nearest corner, as Yumichika and Ikkaku stepped into view.

"Nice one!" Ikkaku shouted, planting a theatrical high-five on the lieutenant's diminutive hand, for once ignoring the nickname.

"Oh, that was so beautiful, taichou!" fifth seat Ayasegawa sang, clasping his hands girlishly under his chin.

To this day, there are only three people in existence who have seen Kenpachi blush. That's probably not going to change anytime soon, as long as those three value their lives.

In an instant, the atmosphere was on fire. The air crackled and the buildings blurred as a raw, murderous reiatsu filled the place. As the two officers fell back from suffocation, the tiny lieutenant followed, looking unaffected by the pressure, but slightly worried.

"Let's leave Ken-chan alone for awhile," she said softly, as she helped the gasping men to a less dangerous area.

As soon as they were gone, Captain Zaraki replaced his eyepatch. His sneer softened slightly as he noticed something on the ground where Yachiru had been sitting.

"Well, if it ain't a—diary?"

Diary wasn't exactly the right word for it. Given the lieutenant's level of vocabulary and organization skills, it might more accurately be termed a book of scribbles. Every page was a story told in pictures, with childishly exaggerated features and expressions. There was even a full two-page spread devoted to two enormous circles and a stick-body with long orange hair. "Big Booby-chan" was scrawled in pink across the drawing's… er, focus.

Kenpachi flipped through the storybook for a few minutes, until he reached a page which was mostly handwriting, with a lopsided heart as the only picture. Next to that was scratched, "cute things to make Ken-chan say."

_"I'm your Mommy"_ was at the very top of the list, complete with underscore, circle, check-mark, and star around it. He must have just given the girl quite a prize.

"Her biological parents should consider themselves lucky," he grumbled… with a huge, sheepish grin on his face.

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**-e-n-d-c-h-a-p-t-e-r-4-

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_**A/N:** Is it everything you hoped for? Is it crap? Oh, well. I'm terribly sorry about the wait, I blame—five professors, over one hundred classmates, crazy friends, and my roommates! Not me! XP_

_The Hollow Inside, HitokiriKurisuta, and Hearii, I'll get to your requests eventually, but it may take a very long time (as you've probably already figured out). Gomenasai, please forgive me for being a slave to Teh Edjukashun!_


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